July 16, 09

We are on a plane going to Calgary. Today has been a day of travel. I picked out a box of chocolate covered raisins thinking they would be both tasty and healthy. So now as we are heading towards having 30 minutes left on this flight I am letting out plenty of farts. I figured that it is better than pooping on the plane and stinking up the whole thing. There is a toddler behind me, since no one can here where the farts are coming from, I am hoping that people don't think it is me, but who cares if they do, I will never see them again.

July 17, 2009

We just got settled in. There are 10 people staying in this house right now. One of the first things that they said to me was that I lost weight. Oh, here we go again. So every year they tell me that I've lost weight when in fact I've known since the beginning of high school that every year I actually have gained weight. So what this tells me is that 1. weight is very important to them, and 2. I also care about my weight. I know this because I become hurt, for some reason their complements make me feel worse because since I know that I have not lost weight, I feel fatter. As someone who spends a lot of time saying that their bodies don't matter(and I usually believe this while I'm at school), my self esteem is very attached to how I look. I hate to say it, but my intellect does not mean anything when I am around my family because as a part of the group of "children" I don't actually talk very often. I am just looked at and commented on.

July 19, 09

Today we got to Jasper. It is so beutiful in the mountains. It is very remarkable. Today we also saw a bear cross the road. We are staying in Jasper's Fermont lodge. It is a private propery with hotel like rooms with both front and back doors.

Tonight for dinner we went to this very fancy place in the lodge called the Mooses Nook where there was live music. Kobi who is five was enchanted by the piano and sat in the chair next to it. Then the piano player invited him to sit by him and he sat there very calmly and watched him play the keys. We are encouraging him to be put in piano lessons. He could be a music genius.

Today I also really got into the book Night Watch by Sarah Waters. Even though I don't think there is much excitment in the plot line so far because it is all about the strains diffrent relationships put on people. However I really do like reading about the lesbian couples. I feels more personal and more relatable to me. When Waters describes Julia and Helen sitting in the bath together I can feel it. The only downside it that this book is set in the 1940's and all the queers are hiding.

Also, the other achievement of the day is that I did not eat any meat!!!! All veggie stuff even though some of it wasn't too healthy. Like the massive amount of chocolate covered almonds my sister and I ate. So right now in the hotel room, I get my own bed because I am bigger than everyone else. This didn't actually bother me too much until I just typed it. I also figured out today that it makes myself feel better when I know a small person dispises their body as much as I dispise mine sometimes, or even more, because that makes me think that I am atleast not the most pulled in by all this crap society is giving women.

July 20, 2009

We went down into a canon and there was water rushing everywhere, it was so alive! There were plants everywhere. It made me feel alive and like everything around me was alive. It was exhilerating. I want to go on more hikes in the future.

Because of my lack of real work this last week I know my next week will be constant work, but I think that if I get into a habit of working, this next week will fly by. I am scared of packing, I have no idea how I am going to fit all my stuff compactly. Also Dan, if you are reading this, I forgot, I have a mini fridge that I want to store in the apartment, also a trash bag worth of clothing I won't need for the summer, sorry about that.

Chris and I made up. I am feeling optimistic about our relationship. I must say that I am greatly entertained at how weird our relationship is because both of our statuses say single, but even though we have not discussed this, I know that we are committed to each other, we just are not to the point where we say so.

I am probably going to not make any money this summer(as in zero income), which bothers me a little as a college student who is taking out a lot of loans for everything from tuition to the cost of living, but I think if I have a budget I won't spend too much.(I am thinking about 1,000 total. Someone tell me if this is an overestimation or an under for everything.) Instead I am going to be interning at a non-profit, as no surprise to the people who know me, it is the LGBT center of St. Louis. This is something I have told my mom since I applied and have tried to explain. The lateness of her comprehension still is humorous. She called me today demanding how I found out about the internship and in a slight tone of disgust saying "The place you are working at is for Gays and Lesbians?!?"

I was told by someone yesterday that it didn't matter if I didn't like to drink, a good third of my money was going to go towards alcohol when I turned 21. I wonder if this is going to be true. Is there something about going to bars that is really going to catch my attention?