BluestCrytsky's Xanga

Almost as dirty as the rainy weather

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 15:20:12 GMT

I feel so dirty.
I just ordered books on how to speak Cantonese off of the internet. I have felt like my language has been slipping from me since I've started speaking English, and now I've decided to do something about it....but in a really really white way. Buying some books and treating it like it is a class. Hmm. Well, I guess I can blame it on being in Kirksville where the comedian my sister and I saw joked in a very unfunny way about how everyone is white.

The Few Things Written in Calgary

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 01:40:18 GMT

July 16, 09

We are on a plane going to Calgary. Today has been a day of travel. I picked out a box of chocolate covered raisins thinking they would be both tasty and healthy. So now as we are heading towards having 30 minutes left on this flight I am letting out plenty of farts. I figured that it is better than pooping on the plane and stinking up the whole thing. There is a toddler behind me, since no one can here where the farts are coming from, I am hoping that people don't think it is me, but who cares if they do, I will never see them again.

July 17, 2009

We just got settled in. There are 10 people staying in this house right now. One of the first things that they said to me was that I lost weight. Oh, here we go again. So every year they tell me that I've lost weight when in fact I've known since the beginning of high school that every year I actually have gained weight. So what this tells me is that 1. weight is very important to them, and 2. I also care about my weight. I know this because I become hurt, for some reason their complements make me feel worse because since I know that I have not lost weight, I feel fatter. As someone who spends a lot of time saying that their bodies don't matter(and I usually believe this while I'm at school), my self esteem is very attached to how I look. I hate to say it, but my intellect does not mean anything when I am around my family because as a part of the group of "children" I don't actually talk very often. I am just looked at and commented on.

July 19, 09

Today we got to Jasper. It is so beutiful in the mountains. It is very remarkable. Today we also saw a bear cross the road. We are staying in Jasper's Fermont lodge. It is a private propery with hotel like rooms with both front and back doors.

Tonight for dinner we went to this very fancy place in the lodge called the Mooses Nook where there was live music. Kobi who is five was enchanted by the piano and sat in the chair next to it. Then the piano player invited him to sit by him and he sat there very calmly and watched him play the keys. We are encouraging him to be put in piano lessons. He could be a music genius.

Today I also really got into the book Night Watch by Sarah Waters. Even though I don't think there is much excitment in the plot line so far because it is all about the strains diffrent relationships put on people. However I really do like reading about the lesbian couples. I feels more personal and more relatable to me. When Waters describes Julia and Helen sitting in the bath together I can feel it. The only downside it that this book is set in the 1940's and all the queers are hiding.

Also, the other achievement of the day is that I did not eat any meat!!!! All veggie stuff even though some of it wasn't too healthy. Like the massive amount of chocolate covered almonds my sister and I ate. So right now in the hotel room, I get my own bed because I am bigger than everyone else. This didn't actually bother me too much until I just typed it. I also figured out today that it makes myself feel better when I know a small person dispises their body as much as I dispise mine sometimes, or even more, because that makes me think that I am atleast not the most pulled in by all this crap society is giving women.

July 20, 2009

We went down into a canon and there was water rushing everywhere, it was so alive! There were plants everywhere. It made me feel alive and like everything around me was alive. It was exhilerating. I want to go on more hikes in the future.

Week One

Fri, 15 May 2009 11:53:44 GMT

Week one of break done. Evidently according to Chris, "you are more chill" because we are not in school, when I asked why, evidently I "seemed angry all the time," who knew.
I found out that the non-specific internship that I was going to do is not beginning until June, so I don't have much to do. Even though I job would make me feel better about myself(and I have applied to a couple of places) because I feel like a black hole of laziness, I don't think it would work out with the schedule I am anticipating.
Surprisingly my mother and I have not bitten each other's heads off, or even more gotten into a real argument.
Some other news, 1. My mother knows I'm gay 2. She knows I am dating Chris 3. She only gives me weird looks whenever I tell her we have been hanging out instead of something more drastic.

Random Going Ons

Sun, 03 May 2009 04:50:36 GMT

Because of my lack of real work this last week I know my next week will be constant work, but I think that if I get into a habit of working, this next week will fly by. I am scared of packing, I have no idea how I am going to fit all my stuff compactly. Also Dan, if you are reading this, I forgot, I have a mini fridge that I want to store in the apartment, also a trash bag worth of clothing I won't need for the summer, sorry about that.

Chris and I made up. I am feeling optimistic about our relationship. I must say that I am greatly entertained at how weird our relationship is because both of our statuses say single, but even though we have not discussed this, I know that we are committed to each other, we just are not to the point where we say so.

I am probably going to not make any money this summer(as in zero income), which bothers me a little as a college student who is taking out a lot of loans for everything from tuition to the cost of living, but I think if I have a budget I won't spend too much.(I am thinking about 1,000 total. Someone tell me if this is an overestimation or an under for everything.) Instead I am going to be interning at a non-profit, as no surprise to the people who know me, it is the LGBT center of St. Louis. This is something I have told my mom since I applied and have tried to explain. The lateness of her comprehension still is humorous. She called me today demanding how I found out about the internship and in a slight tone of disgust saying "The place you are working at is for Gays and Lesbians?!?"

I was told by someone yesterday that it didn't matter if I didn't like to drink, a good third of my money was going to go towards alcohol when I turned 21. I wonder if this is going to be true. Is there something about going to bars that is really going to catch my attention?

Relay For Life

Sat, 25 Apr 2009 03:44:15 GMT

Tonight I went to Relay for Life for Adair County. It was an experience that I think can be life changing if you let it.
The event opened up with a prayer to god, which actually bothered me a little, but I think a lot of people liked it.
Then there were stories from people who had loved ones with cancer or who had cancer themselves. One girl was still going to classes through her therapy, classes at Truman.
My big in APO, Angie, is a cancer survivor and she got to make a lap with the other survivors, then during the next lap were the cancer survivor with the people who helped them through the ordeal so she walked it with her mother. This event is very important to her because a lot of people in her family have had or died from it, including her father.
I envisioned the whole room as one big cushion of support for people dealing with cancer, there were so many booths and people there having fun and raising money for research. There were live performances, music, food, and a lot of other things to do. This was my first one and I am so glad I decided not to skip.

School.

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 13:34:39 GMT

Maybe this reflects my attitude towards school, but I keep hoping things are canceled so I can do less, even if it means that I don't learn as much. Even though I've been weary of going back home, I finally thought of a reason today that makes me want to do so, at home it is quiet. No slamming doors or people talking down the hall to each other. Good grief. Even though I've always liked to listen to more mellow music, recently in private that is all I listen to, anything else seems to abrasive right now, I wonder if it is me compensating for the loud dorm.
Tonight is Post Secret, I still need to make/drop mine off. Chris is so excited for Frank Warren, I just really want to see all the other secrets. I also wonder how many people are going to cry tonight, it seems like it is going to be an intense event.

WGST Party

Sun, 29 Mar 2009 04:23:13 GMT

Tonight I went to the WGST conference party at professor Barron's house. Smoozing, even with alcohol is not my thing. However I talked to Tallie for a while and heard an interesting story or two and talked to Rebecca McClanahan for a while about gender gaps in CS and nursing. Overall I am completly convinced that I currently do not have the skills to be put in that kind of setting and not feel awkward.

Ada Lovelace

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 20:38:38 GMT

In order to celebrate the women in CS, today is Ada Lovelace day where people blog for awareness.
So this is a poem about the language.

Language: Ada
Military grade machine
Do good not evil

More info here: Ada Lovelace

First Week Back

Thu, 19 Mar 2009 14:11:03 GMT

I have been on edge all this week, I can not believe I made it to Thursday.
I started taking sleep aids again, I've just given in to them because I have the time now to let them run through my system without really affecting what happens to me in class. Grim is just so loud this year, plus I think I've gotten more sensitive to sounds. I don't remember waking up to every door slam last year.
I need to find something to do for this summer, which is my biggest worry. My second biggest one is that I am trying to figure something interdisciplinary out. Something combining the user side of computer science with WGST, probably something for non-profit work.

QAPI

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 00:42:13 GMT

I have been home for a couple of days. The first one was really rough for me and my mom. At the end of the day (especially since her hormones have been going wacky) my mom wanted to die, I on the other hand just really really needed a strong drink. My sister's advice was to just listen to what she says and not argue, but do what you want. So far I have just been doing what my mom has told me for the little stuff and it has worked out well.
I tried to talk to my mom about being a lesbian again. It did not go so well, I'm not sure how to take it from here. I need some help because we are hitting road blocks over the same issues again and again. However, I did find some queer asian groups in the Boston and DC area and they made me feel better. It is odd how being out has actually made it harder at home since they are ultra aware of what I'm doing and my queer interest can not be written off as something else.